Bureau Services
Choose a
Petty Transformation
You are here because something annoyed you.
Tell The Bureau what it is, choose the level of administrative suffering you prefer, and we’ll process you accordingly— begrudgingly, but efficiently.
Precision not required. Participation is.
The Fine Print
Bureau Processing Timeline:
Submission → Review (1–2 days) → Processing (2–5 days) → Formatting (1–2 days) → Delivery.
Turnaround varies by tier: Minor (2–4 days), Case File (3–6), Extended (4–7), Intervention (5–10).
The Bureau is NOT responsible for:
Any breakthroughs you were not emotionally prepared for
Sudden clarity
Discovering you were never the problem
…or realizing you might have been
Availability is determined not by convenience, but by the Bureau’s current level of cosmic bandwidth.
Translation
We book according to:
The moon,
The Muse,
Underlord’s tolerance,
Whatever emotional combustion the Empire is undergoing that week.
If the Bureau is open, it means the internal pantheon has agreed (begrudgingly) that you may submit your nonsense.
If it is closed, assume the Empire is in a meeting, a mood, or a minor existential renovation.
Either way: you will survive the wait.
Probably.
Pricing is not calculated by hours, effort, or deliverables.
It is calculated by spite-voltage, i.e., the amount of psychic resistance required to turn your grievance into something useful.
You are not paying for time.
You are paying for:
The Bureau’s precision,
The ceremonial irritation we endure on your behalf,
and the transformation of your complaint into a document you will quote at people for weeks.
The more petty the submission, the more expensive the alchemy.
That is simply physics.
By proceeding, you agree to be perceived accurately.
Administrative Hell, but make it healing.
A sanctioned division of Begrudgingly Grateful Press.
Operated by: Underlord — Structural Integrity Division
Powered by: S. Cordova — Self-Hell Division