The Bureau
of
Petty Transformations
Where your grievances go to be weaponized into wisdom.
Healing out of spite.
Reframing out of irritation.
Transformation through paperwork.
Choose your tier.
Submit your nonsense.
Let the Bureau process you.
Choose your level
of
administrative hell.Every option ends in a reframe and a ritual.
The only real difference is how much paperwork you want.
Your Case Will Be Processed According to Severity.
Choose wisely. Your paperwork determines your fate.
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Tier I
The Complaint Conversion Unit
One gripe. One reframe. One tiny act of defiance.
Best for:
“I just need someone to validate how annoying this is.”Includes:
1 reframe, 1 mini ritual, stamped PDF.
Timeframe: 3 days.Ideal for small annoyances pretending to be emotions.
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Tier II
The Personal Rebrand Dossier
Your nonsense, processed into something almost meaningful.
Best for:
Recurring irritations, stuck cycles, “Why am I like this?”Includes:
Multi-reframe, small ritual, micro-mantra, 5–7 page dossier.Timeframe: 5 days.
A middle-management solution to your existential angst.
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Tier III
The Administrative Reconciliation Protocol
You, the problem, and the truth… documented.
Best for:
Big patterns, long-term malfunctions, emotional tax audits.Includes:
S. Cordova analysis, reframe suite, 15–20 minute ritual, custom sigil, 12-page file.Timeframe: 7–10 days.
Comes with at least one sentence you will resent for how true it is.
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Tier IV
The Cosmic Rebrand Commission
This is not a service….
This is a reckoning.Best for:
“New chapter,” “Identity crisis,” “If this does not change I might break something.”Includes:
S. Cordova codex, witness-act draft, renunciation & adoption rituals, custom glyph, haunting follow-up emails.Timeframe: 14 days.
Bureau involvement escalates into metaphysical paperwork.
Proceed only if you are ready for narrative consequences.
Once A Tier is chosen, The Bureau Initiates Protocol.
Below is what will happen to you.
How The Bureau Processes You
Step 1:
Submit Evidence
You tell us what hurts, what annoys you, or what refuses to move.
No need to be poetic. Rambling is acceptable; spreadsheets are welcomed.
The Bureau respects your chaos.
It does not fear it.
Step 2:
Analysis
The Bureau dissects your complaint, identifies the core malfunction, and builds a reframe that does not insult your intelligence.
Precision > platitudes.
(If you have lied to yourself, we will notice.)
Step 3:
Ritual + Paperwork Issued
You receive a branded PDF dossier, a petty ritual, and at least one sentence that will follow you around for weeks.
You are free to ignore it.
You will not.
Your nervous system will complain.
That is expected.
Result: a marginally improved nervous system and one less lie between you and your life.
TIER I
The Complaint Conversion Unit
You bring:
One specific gripe, up to 150 words. Petty, profound, or both.
You receive:
– A single, sharp Begrudgingly Grateful reframe
– A 30-second mini-ritual to mark the shift
– A one-page PDF stamped with the an Empire seal
BEST FOR:
“I need this out of my head and into a sentence that does not lie.”
$27
TIER II
The Personal Rebrand Dossier
You bring:
Up to three grievances plus the situation you cannot stop circling.
You receive:
– Short analysis of what is actually happening
– 3 reframes that do not pretend you are serene
– A small ritual (5–10 minutes)
– A micro-mantra written by S. Cordova
– A 5–7 page PDF dossier to reread when you forget you have options.
BEST FOR:
Loops, recurring irritants, and identity knots that need a translator.
$57
TIER III
The Administrative Reconciliation Protocol
You bring:
A backstory, a core irritant, and a willingness to be read.
You receive:
– 2-page diagnostic (your case file)
– A suite of 3–6 reframes
– A 15–20 minute Ritual of Reconstruction
– A custom Begrudgingly Grateful sigil (digital)
– A 12-page PDF with footnotes, stamps, and mild doom
BEST FOR:
Long-term patterns, relationship snarls, and “This again?” moments.
$107
TIER IV
The Cosmic Rebrand Commission
You bring:
Context for your life, three problem areas, and the secret fear you do not say out loud.
You receive:
– Your personal rebrand
– A “witness act” draft: the story of what you are doing with your life now
– A formal Ritual of Renunciation (what you are done with)
– A Ritual of Adoption (what you are choosing instead)
– A custom personal glyph to mark this version of you
– A 20–30 page Rebrand Codex PDF
– A brief haunting: 3 follow-up emails to keep you honest
BEST FOR:
People who know they are a new species and want the paperwork to prove it.
$227
Frequently Avoided Questions™
Welcome to the Bureau — the administrative wing of your emotional malfunction.
If you are here, it means something inside you muttered “enough”… or at least “fine, whatever.”
Below are the most commonly asked questions from citizens, applicants, and reluctant participants.
What exactly is the Bureau?
The Bureau is an administrative ritual disguised as self-help.
It exists to convert your emotional chaos into documentation, structure, and spite-powered clarity.
Think of it as:
therapy meets paperwork
meets occult HR
meets a gentle shove toward your own potential.
We do not promise serenity.
We promise accuracy.
What does a Petty Transformation actually do?
A Petty Transformation is a short, targeted intervention designed to translate one of your internal disasters into something useful, legible, or at least tolerable.
It is not about “fixing” you.
It is about naming the malfunction so you can wield it instead of drowning in it.
Document → Decode → Reframe → Weaponize.
That is the Bureau way.
How do I choose my Tier?
Tiers are determined by the true intensity of your current malfunction —
NOT the version you tell strangers,
NOT the version you think sounds reasonable,
and NOT the version you select because you are embarrassed.
Choose based on the first emotional voltage you felt when you opened the page.
Tier I — Mild Irritation / Identity Questioning Lite
Symptoms:
• small glitches
• vague self-doubt
• light internal static
You are annoyed, but coherent and functioning…barely.
Tier II — Emotional Static / Functional Menace Vibes
Symptoms:
• controlled malfunction
• chronic restlessness
• “I should make a change” but also “not today.”
You are buzzing, borderline sparking.
Tier III — Full Goblin Mode / Existential Crispiness
Symptoms:
• chaos with potential
• questionable decisions
• dark humor as emotional biofuel
You are feral, self-aware, and slightly smoking.
Tier IV — Catastrophic Self-Rebellion / Identity Molting
Symptoms:
• old life shedding violently
• internal revolution
• rebuilding from spite, caffeine, and adrenaline
You require ritual intervention and possibly a witness.
How long does a Transformation take?
Depends on your Tier and how honest you are willing to be.
Tier I–II: 1–4 business days
Tier III–IV: 4–10 business days
If you ghost us: indefinite, escalating fines payable in dignity.
Do I need to provide documentation?
Optional for most.
Required if your malfunction is particularly spicy, cryptic, or shaped like an ex.
You may attach screenshots, diary excerpts, vent messages, or interpretive descriptions.
The Bureau accepts all forms of evidence, including unhinged bullet points and especially spreadsheets.
What is the difference between the Field Copy and the Petty Transformation PDF?
The Field Copy is the raw, unadorned text — the bones.
The Petty Transformation PDF is the ceremonial version — formatted, aesthetic, pretty, and Bureau-branded.
One is for reading.
One is for framing, hoarding, or offering to future anthropologists.
Can I request a Transformation for someone else?
You can.
You should not.
The Bureau deals only with willing (or at least semi-willing) participants.
We do not work by proxy, hex, or guilt tripping.
Can I do more than one Transformation?
Absolutely.
Metamorphosis is iterative.
Chaos regenerates.
Humans are trending disasters.
Return as needed.
What if I am afraid of the Bureau?
Reasonable.
Expected.
Irrelevant.
Fear is not a disqualifier.
Avoidance is simply Tier III energy masquerading as Tier I.
Where can I see sample reports?
The product pages will contain anonymized samples created for citizens brave enough to face the Bureau.
More will be added as the Department of Spite-Based Documentation completes processing.
Is it worth it?
If you have read this far, the answer is already yes.
Ready to file?
The Bureau is currently accepting a limited number of cases per month.
You will receive a confirmation email when your case is officially opened.
The Fine Print
The Bureau is NOT responsible for:
• any breakthroughs you were not emotionally prepared for
• sudden clarity
• discovering you were never the problem
• or realizing you might have beenAvailability is determined not by convenience, but by the Bureau’s current level of cosmic bandwidth.
Translation
We book according to:
The moon,
The Muse,
The Underlord’s tolerance,
Whatever emotional combustion the Empire is undergoing that week.
If the Bureau is open, it means the internal pantheon has agreed (begrudgingly) that you may submit your nonsense.
If it is closed, assume the Empire is in a meeting, a mood, or a minor existential renovation.
Either way: you will survive the wait.
Probably.
Pricing is not calculated by hours, effort, or deliverables.
It is calculated by spite-voltage, i.e., the amount of psychic resistance required to turn your grievance into something useful.
You are not paying for time.
You are paying for:
The Bureau’s precision,
The ceremonial irritation we endure on your behalf,
and the transformation of your complaint into a document you will quote at people for weeks.
The more petty the submission, the more expensive the alchemy.
That is simply physics.
By proceeding, you agree to be perceived accurately.
Administrative Hell, but make it healing.
A sanctioned division of Begrudgingly Grateful Press.
Operated by: Underlord — Structural Integrity Division
Powered by: S. Cordova — Self-Hell Division